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Chris Arnold’s Dry Jan Diary

Much like 99.9% of the population, I indulged until I resembled Jabba the Hut on a fat day during the festive period, and much like 99.9% the population I attempted to abstain from life’s pleasures in the first month of the year. A newcomer to this idea (until now dry Jan had always been my sarcastic Auntie) I decided to chronicle my state of mind via a diary.

3rd January: Three days into dry Jan and I’ve finally sobered up after drinking 6 litres of straight gin on NYE. First thing I noticed is that I seem to be living with a housemate, through my drunken haze I always assumed it was a damaged sofa in the corner of my living room. Anyway, Paul seems nice.

8th January: I’ve now done 1 week without drinking alcohol, I honestly can’t remember the last time I had done this, even in the womb my mother was practically drip feeding me Special Brew.

11th January: I’m really starting to enjoy this, I feel like a much better human being compared than those scumbag drinkers. Added bonus: I’ve stopped crying myself to sleep at night

14th Jan: A rough day. I seem to be losing Facebook friends at a rapid rate, I quizzed my sister on this and she said it might be due to my hourly sobriety status updates. But, but, how else will people find out about my plight?

21st January: After three weeks of cutting out booze, smoking, drugs, meat, diary, gluten I decided it was now time to give up the big one – oxygen. Did you know that 65% of the body is oxygen? Cut that out and the weight will literally come tumbling off.

22nd January: After waking in A&E, I realised that cutting oxygen out of my diet was a terrible idea. I don’t really understand the science behind it but apparently breathing is key to staying alive. Probably my biggest regret so far. Good thing Paul was around to drive me to the nearest hospital.

30th January: I’ve spent the last week in bed recovering. Been receiving lots of nice gifts from my family, hold on, is that a bottle of Prosseco?

31st January: Ended up in a club in Barnsley with Paul and my Auntie Jan doing tequila shots into our eyes and dancing until 5AM last night. I’m now giving up writing a diary as it’s taking up too much valuable drinking time.