Game of Thrones – Low Budget Spin Offs

So Game Of Thrones wasn’t on TV last night and is taking a week’s break, probably due to the large number of funerals they’ve racked up. Fear not though Thrones fans (or Thrans as they are sometimes known), here at Cool Beans we have a number of low budget spin offs available for purchase. So big TV companies with cash to spare – get in touch with either Chris Arnold, Dom Kidson, Jimmy May, Toby Burr or Mark Leeming who are all available as actors/directors/producers/sound engineers/runners/archivers. The good news is that we could probably knock most of these up over the course of an afternoon and quench the thirst of the currently deprived GOT addicts.

Game of Homes – Estate agents in lower Buckinghamshire get all competitive with each other. Who can sell the most houses in a week? Will it be Roger? Will it be Barry? Only time will tell.

Game of Moans – A room full of elderly people turns to disarray as they try to out-moan each other. Contains very strong language.

Game of Phones – A thousand different telephones in a very small space, one phone is ringing, but which one is it?

Game of Loans – Mortgage companies try to dish out a loan with the largest interest rate ever. Just like in real life then. Zing!

Game of Clones – Hunger Games style competition in which people clone themselves and then fight their clones to the death. Requires CGI.

Game of Bones – Headed by Tony Robinson, who can find the most interesting archeological artefact in Shrewsbury and its surrounding areas? Rated 18.

Game of Scones – Two upper class gentlemen get awfully riled when they discover they only have one scone left and they both want it in their greedy bellies. Political undertones.

Game of Cones – Two drunkards compete to find out the best usage for a derelict traffic cone. The loser has to down a pint of gravy.

Game of Saônes – A variety of people try to recreate miniature replications of the river Saône which is based in the South of France. We’re really scrapping the barrel now.

Game of Stones – See who can make the biggest line of stones? See who can develop a kidney stone the fastest? Take bets on which one from the Rolling Stones will have a hip replacement next? I think it’s time we nipped this in the bud.

Please get in touch with cash offers for these ideas. Don’t steal them either. Cos we’ll hunt you down and maim your pets!

We spoke about this on a radio show a few weeks back as well…

The Cool Beans Getogethers #3 – Jimmy May & Mark Leeming & Dom Kidson by The Cool Beans Radio Show on Mixcloud

It’s been a slow news day.

Ham Pocket – The Final Farewell

Gather round children, let me tell you a tale. A tale of three men and their journey from rock bottom to an even rocker bottom. It’s the tale of the “band” they call Ham Pocket…

Ham Pocket formed in the winter of discontent and erratically exploded onto Sheffield’s live scene roughly 948 moons ago. Christopher Ham and Dominic Pocket performed a variety of tunes at the Green Room despite Dom’s crippling stage fright. Things were looking doubtful a few hours before the gig when Dom had downed 32 Stellas and chain smoked 3 packs of Lucky Strikes in an attempt to calm his nerves but he pulled it together in time. And the crowd were only mildly discomforted by his spontaneous vomiting throughout the set.

Their second outing saw them support Mr. B the Gentleman Rhymer and The Grand Old Lukes of Porkshire at the Harley. A landmark event for all involved, it was especially notable for being the moment Dom and Chris realised they had both been playing completely different notes for all their songs, resulting in an almost unlistenable performance. The Star newspaper gave them a thrashing the next day, the headline ran “Ham Pocket? More like Sham Bolic!”

In the summer of discontent they gained a member, Mr. Andy Enchilada, and with him they gained a whole heap of charm, style and panache. After being asked to headline the main stage at Tramlines (they refused – not enough cash) they embarked on their first UK tour, hitting such towns as Grimsby, Swaton and Shaftsbury Upon Haven. But the strain of being away from their families, friends and love ones grew too great, it eventually all blew up one night. A heated disagreement over a pack of Starburst lead Dom to throw an iron (and ironing board) at Chris’s face. They had lost track of what they set out to do in the first place; play great music and get loads of cash, booze, drugs and women. It was the end of Ham Pocket.

Post break up, Dom returned to his former job as a farm hand/wolf herder in Ashby De La Zouche, Andy had a relatively successful career as a welsh crooner (he got to number 6 in the Wales Charts with his deeply disturbing single “Mucky maid”) and Chris became involved into the vicious and illegal world of otter wresting. Ham Pocket were pretty much dead. Well that’s what everyone thought. After Dom had a near death experience with a particularly broody female wolf (a wolfette to be precise) they all realised life was too short to hold a grudge.

They embarked on their first comeback tour. They then quickly realised that they still hated each other and broke up again. They then missed the cash so they embarked on a second comeback tour, playing sold out shows in a variety of car trunks and a few local establishments such as the Harley, The Great Gatsby and Steve Hunt’s back garden. They also garnered some air time on Slovenia pirate radio (2 plays amounting to a PRS cheque of £0.0000000000000000001 – they split it three ways). It’s been no fun whatsoever but the journey finally ends for Ham Pocket: last orders for denim hot pants/acoustic comedy bronze/saucy folk bangers/altercations with El Krazy Kat (in fact, what’s all that about?)/the finest in bavarian and tropical fashion shall be this Friday the 14th June at the Fox & Duck as part of Broomhill Festival 2013.

Bidding farewell to a band that have been so overwhelmingly underwhelming is always tough, so they’ve enlisted the talents of better musicians in attempt to fill the place with punters…

Set times
07:30 – Ben Webster
08:00 – Sam Lee
08:30 – Kid Conventional
09:00 – Andrew Duxfield
09:30 – Sophia Pettit
10:00 – Pro-Verb
10:30 – 1/2 of the Grand Old Ukes of Yorkshire
11:00 – Ham Pocket
11:40 – 50 Sniffs

They’ll be the standard fine ales as well as some other drinks available, you can bring your own food as well. No dogs. Facebook event here.

After the frivolities, many shall be heading down to The Harley for a raucous after-party in which we can further the celebrations of Ham Pocket’s achievements (in which the tally stands at 1 and a half, the aforementioned slovenian pirate radio plays (the 1) and a guy called Paul once said they were good (the half) but he then went on to say he thought was commenting on Abba). DJs playing at this are Clipboard, Jimmy the Gent, Arnivore, Danny Mager and the Quality Controllers. Facebook event for the afterparty is here.

This is certainly the end of the Ham Pocket live experience, they may re-surface on the internet at some point, perhaps as guest vocals on a breakcore track or as extras in a slovenian pornography film, we just can’t say for sure yet.

Goodbye from HP. Much love.

Cool Beans Presents: King Porter Stomp

After our double headed beast of a bank holiday mad one at the Bowery/Leadmill last month, we are back with our second show of 2013 and it’s occurring at another venue with no prior beans history – The Riverside. Even though this party shack sits slightly out of the hustle bustle of the mean city streets, it’s recently become synonymous with incredible live music, delicious real ale and foot-stompingly good nights.

We for one, can not flipping wait.


Festival favourites and true party starters, King Porter Stomp blend ska, funk, afrobeat and hip hop to create a genuinely original, natural fusion of styles. The 8 dedicated members were called to Brighton from very different backgrounds and musical persuasions and first played together in Autumn 2006. Fast forward a few years, they’ve pulled on heart strings and won over the dancing feet of crowds across the UK and into Europe.

With big horns, heavy bass and delicately crafted and deeply conscious lyrics, King Porter Stomp have quickly established themselves as major players on the UK summer festival circuit. The high energy eight piece have already rocked stages at Glastonbury, The Big Chill, The Secret Garden Party, The Big Green Gathering, Eden Festival and Ireland’s Electric Picnic.

Energising, a blast! – THE INDEPENDENT ON SUNDAY
Ska, dub and hip hop treats – TIMEOUT MAGAZINE
Enjoyably raucous – EVENING STANDARD

We are ecstatic to be bringing the band to Sheffield for the very first time.


Explosive. Outspoken. Devilishly good-looking. Smiling Ivy perform an energetic fusion of ska, dub-reggae, punk and hip-hop. They effortlessly clash activism & hedonism on their records and offer fans an astute, socially-aware observation of the times all the while creating danceable, floor-filling music.

The Ivy retain enough power and aggression to be an active fixture in the UK’s rock scene but with reverberations of dub-reggae, funk, and hip-hop they also remain an illustrious figure in Yorkshire’s urban, rave and party scene.

You may have caught them showcasing their sounds at a multiple of summer festivals or performing alongside such acts as The Selecter, Dub Pistols, Zion Train, Frank Turner, The Correspondents and even Frankie Boyle. This gig is the only Sheffield date of their UK Spring Tour, which will see them play up and down the island in April/May.

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Sit back, relax and let acoustic these hip hop pioneers take you on a journey that will touch every sensory nerve in your body, apart from the disappointment nerve. Tom and James AKA Spit and Strings have been preaching their sounds for a few years now and with the recent addition of a full band their show has never been better. The band are however away for this show so the duo will be performing an intimate stripped down version of their current set. A rare treat.


A local legend ’round these parts, you may think you know Carl but well think again baby. And then think again after that. An integral piece of the Sheffield puzzle, when he’s not on fire Carl spends his time being the backbone in multiple acts and associations. For example – Peace in the Park, Jungle Lion, K.O.G & The Allstar Revolution, Banana Flavoured Dubcats, Jumping Wizard and loads more.


The Riverside are getting a special late license in from this one so we can continue the party long after King Porter Stomp have finished rocking it. Audible treats shall be provided by Arnivore, Crazyleaf, Lonesome Dom and Tony motherflipping Mulaga. Think reggae, balkan, electro-swing, ska, funk, hip hop, rave, coconut step and you’re only half way there.

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We’ll be taking some of the fun onto the delightful Riverside beer patio which overlooks the river. Acoustic acts, games and even the return of the gone-but-not-quite-forgotten Cool Beans enigma that is the Twister Mat shall all be making an appearance.


It’s also going to to be the last Cool Beans party before the summer frivolities kick in. This year we’re organising line ups for Tramlines, Peace in the Park and Broomhill Festival and DJing at about 15 other festivals all over the UK. This little shindig shall be the perfect send off!

Doors at 7PM / £3 before 8PM / £4 after 8PM
The Riverside, 1 Mowbray Street, Sheffield
Saturday the 27th April 2013

Facebook Event here. Get involved people!