Cool Beans Christmas Movie Ideas

Hello Hollywood? You there? You want new Christmas movie ideas? Well you released Bone Alone this year so you’re certainly starting to scrape the festive barrel. Well don’t you worry your pretty little heads. Myself (Christmas Arnold) and Dom the red-nosed Kidson (due to all the booze) have come up with some film ideas. This is our gift to you, Hollywood, this is our gift…

Santa Jaws.
The sleepy seaside town of Scarborough is looking forward to a well-earned festive break, but there’s something fishy about the recent increase in surfers disappearing, shark fins in the sea bay and moody piano based music playing on repeat. Stars Ashton Kutcher and Bruce Willis.

Father Wrist-mass.
Father Christmas is stricken with arthritis close to his yearly journey around the globe. He needs to have an operation but the recent NHS cuts means that this is not possible. His only chance is to put on a pantomime at the local community center to raise funds. But will he manage to remember all his routines, deliver gifts to about a billion kids and win Stacey’s heart? Stars Gandalf as Father Christmas and Anne Widecombe as Stacey.

Jungle Bells. The Aftermath.
Christmave Eve 1993, An illegal drum and bass rave gets out of hand when the sub bass destroys the warehouse foundations. Five young party goers are trapped beneath the rubble and need to escape in time for bucks fizz and porridge on Christmas morning with their families. Stars Danny Dyer, Jason Statham, Goldie, Daniel Craig, Chris Arnold and Maculay Culkin as DJ Bring Tha Pain.

Jingle Hells.
The devil (Alan rickman), sick of the good cheer takes away all human form and with the help of Marilyn Manson & Chris De Burgh tries to ruin Christmas for one and all. But not if our unlikely renegade cops Jacob swift (Christian slater) and Mike Tyson can stop them.

I Saw The Mummy Kissing Santa Claus.
The Mummy franchise suddenly develops a bizarre plot twist after Brendan Fraser and Raquel Weisz find themselves in Lapland.

Fairytale Of New Pork.
A family of Irish pigs move to New York in search of the American dream only to get eaten as hot dogs.

An Uninvited Guest This Christmas.
Christopher guest comes round to a family uninvited and scares the kids. He refuses to leave.

and finally, perhaps our pick of the bunch…

A Christmas Carol Vorderman.
Movie blurb TBA.

There you have it. In fact you can actually hear us discussing some of these brilliant movie ideas at length on the radio here. Be warned – if anybody uses these without permission we shall indeed SUE YO ASSES.

Also, for those who missed it, Dom the red-nosed Kidson decided his Christmas movie ideas weren’t enough and has recorded a seasonly-themed song for you all as well. It’s called Christmas With Longmourne Ratsby and it is frankly astonishing.

Ho ho ho, that’s enough treats from our end. We hope you’re going to repay the favour and shower us with gifts come crimbo. Well if you can’t, just come to our NYE show at the Harley instead, that’ll do it for us. That’ll do it real good. Real real good. Mmmmmmmmm.

BYE! Xoxoxox

Now Then Listings – December 2013

Ho. Ho. Hoe. No, we haven’t suddenly developed a case of Dr. Dre Tourette’s, it’s Christmas time! So wrap up tight, throw on some extra woolly y-fronts and prepare for the inevitable million excuses to plough your way through various Christmas dinners – the work “do”, the big day itself – the fact that it’s 11.42 on a Wednesday and you’re just happening to pass a pub serving the full works for just £5.75… It’s a dangerous world. But we’re here to distract you from eating yourself into an early grave with a festive list of places we’d love to visit if we didn’t spend so much time eating cream cheese and watching Home Alone… Merry Christmas you filthy animals. And a Happy New Year!

MOVEMBER SHAVE OFF.
1st DECEMBER / CLOSED SHOP / FREE.

After a month of prickly tash growing in the name of awareness, the Sheffield University Aerosoc are celebrating in style, shaving those bad mos! Luckily, this also coincides with the Closed Shop’s Sunday Quiz – where we are informed there is booze-a-plenty to be won. LINK

MUNGO’S HI FI.
6th DECEMBER/ SECRET WAREHOUSE LOCATION / £10.

The Roots team have pulled in a massive name here – Mungo’s Hi Fi are always hugely entertaining. Support from Akid, Will Tee, Deadbeat, Dr Cryptic and Grimaz. LINK

ESMERINE.
7th DECEMBER / SHEFFIELD CATHEDRAL / £13.

Canadian classical collective interviewed in last month’s mag come to town for a special show at the Cathedral, supported by local acoustic trio Woolly Mammoth. Not to be missed. LINK

SHARROW FESTIVAL XMAS PARTY.
7th DECEMBER / YELLOW ARCH STUDIOS / £7.

Preparations for the enormously popular Sharrow Festival are already underway. Why not show your support by hitting up their final fundraiser of 2013? Baghdaddies, Truly Apparent, The Unscene, Mighty Vipers, Man Bites Fridge and Tim “You Heard” Walker are all on the line-up. LINK

STI.
7th DECEMBER / SECRET WAREHOUSE LOCATION / £10.

It’s been a while since the last STI and boy they haven’t disappointed with this line up. Objekt & Call Super have being acquired to lay down a special 5 hour long back to back extravaganza. LINK

LOOM.
8th DECEMBER / RIVERSIDE / FREE.

Following a spectacular show for at this year’s Tramlines Festival, Loom are welcomed back to The Riverside’s tiny, sweaty, cramped upstairs room. Looks like this could be a wild one – note: no rhinos allowed. LINK

GOOD MORNING RAVE.
11th DECEMBER / HYPE DANCE STUDIOS / £5.

Shake up and wake up aided and abeited by the naughty DJ Dishevel. He’ll be dragging himself out of bed to play a full brekkie of funky beats from hip hop, house, world and with a side order of warm drum and bass – if you’re hungry that is. Oh and it kicks off at 7AM! LINK

DJ SHEPDOG.
13th DECEMBER/ HARLEY / £3.

The man behind the popular NICE UP! label and club night, responsible for some of the biggest reggae mash-ups of the last few years. With a mission statement of “righteous party vibes”, Shepdog has earnt a reputation for rocking any dance. LINK

BANANA HILL.
14th DECEMBER / DLS BASEMENT / £6.

Like bananas? Like hills? Like tropical parties? Then this one certainly ticks all ya boxes. Alexander Nut (Rinse FM, Eglo Records) and Esa (Highlife, Sub Club) are leading the way with this bad boy. LINK

THE SUNDAY SWING THING.
15th DECEMBER / BUNGALOWS & BEARS / FREE.

Festive edition of the head nodding, toe tapping, finger clicking & hip twisting Swing, Jazz & R’n’B rhythms party! T-Funk goes from vintage to all the way up to electro. Also joined by Lindy Hop dancers – Ho Ho Ho! LINK

HOT SOLES.
20th DECEMBER / PLUG / £3.

Jet-setting, high-octane rock’n’roll duo Hot Soles are heading to Plug for a rowdy homecoming show. Support not yet confirmed, but to be fair these two put on such a performance that all support immediately becomes redundant. LINK

KID CONVENTIONAL & FRIENDS.
21st DECEMBER / SHEFFIELD CATHEDRAL / £5.

A unique Christmas triple headline concert featuring David J Roch, See Emily Play and Kid Conventional. Three top local musicians, one incredible venue and a more than reasonable ticket fee – sorted! LINK

NYE @ CADS.
31st DECEMBER/ CADS / £15-20.

Massive line-up of ravey NYE goodness, featuring Squire of Gothos, Autograff, Reuben G, Phatworld, Jackie Murda, Junglist Alliance, Kid Lib and more. Roll on 2014. LINK

That’s it for this year. You all better take care now. Also, improve your life vastly by hitting up the Now Then website here. Content researched and presented by Chris “Santa Jaws” Arnold & Jimmy “Father Wristmas” May.