Hello Hollywood? You there? You want new Christmas movie ideas? Well you released Bone Alone this year so you’re certainly starting to scrape the festive barrel. Well don’t you worry your pretty little heads. Myself (Christmas Arnold) and Dom the red-nosed Kidson (due to all the booze) have come up with some film ideas. This is our gift to you, Hollywood, this is our gift…
Santa Jaws.
The sleepy seaside town of Scarborough is looking forward to a well-earned festive break, but there’s something fishy about the recent increase in surfers disappearing, shark fins in the sea bay and moody piano based music playing on repeat. Stars Ashton Kutcher and Bruce Willis.
Father Wrist-mass.
Father Christmas is stricken with arthritis close to his yearly journey around the globe. He needs to have an operation but the recent NHS cuts means that this is not possible. His only chance is to put on a pantomime at the local community center to raise funds. But will he manage to remember all his routines, deliver gifts to about a billion kids and win Stacey’s heart? Stars Gandalf as Father Christmas and Anne Widecombe as Stacey.
Jungle Bells. The Aftermath.
Christmave Eve 1993, An illegal drum and bass rave gets out of hand when the sub bass destroys the warehouse foundations. Five young party goers are trapped beneath the rubble and need to escape in time for bucks fizz and porridge on Christmas morning with their families. Stars Danny Dyer, Jason Statham, Goldie, Daniel Craig, Chris Arnold and Maculay Culkin as DJ Bring Tha Pain.
Jingle Hells.
The devil (Alan rickman), sick of the good cheer takes away all human form and with the help of Marilyn Manson & Chris De Burgh tries to ruin Christmas for one and all. But not if our unlikely renegade cops Jacob swift (Christian slater) and Mike Tyson can stop them.
I Saw The Mummy Kissing Santa Claus.
The Mummy franchise suddenly develops a bizarre plot twist after Brendan Fraser and Raquel Weisz find themselves in Lapland.
Fairytale Of New Pork.
A family of Irish pigs move to New York in search of the American dream only to get eaten as hot dogs.
An Uninvited Guest This Christmas.
Christopher guest comes round to a family uninvited and scares the kids. He refuses to leave.
and finally, perhaps our pick of the bunch…
A Christmas Carol Vorderman.
Movie blurb TBA.
There you have it. In fact you can actually hear us discussing some of these brilliant movie ideas at length on the radio here. Be warned – if anybody uses these without permission we shall indeed SUE YO ASSES.
Also, for those who missed it, Dom the red-nosed Kidson decided his Christmas movie ideas weren’t enough and has recorded a seasonly-themed song for you all as well. It’s called Christmas With Longmourne Ratsby and it is frankly astonishing.
Ho ho ho, that’s enough treats from our end. We hope you’re going to repay the favour and shower us with gifts come crimbo. Well if you can’t, just come to our NYE show at the Harley instead, that’ll do it for us. That’ll do it real good. Real real good. Mmmmmmmmm.
BYE! Xoxoxox
