The Complete Guide To Terrible Advice

Today marks a sad day. After holding down a position as writer/all round great guy at Now Then Magazine for over 4 years, the team behind the Sheffield publication have released this statement…

It has come to our attention that some of the advice being distributed by Advice Arnold in this monthly Cool Beans column hasn’t been valuable, helpful or, in some cases, legal. This will not come as news to 99% of you, based on the bag of reader correspondence we finally got round to reading. But before we continue this statement, we would like to make it clear that the following advice, a small sample of ‘top tips’ distributed by Advice Arnold through this publication over the past two years, does not in any way represent the views of Now Then Magazine:

– Placing a toaster at the edge of your bathtub in case you get hungry mid-wash.
– Smoking at the gym to gain respect from your peers.
– Using Google Maps whilst taking your driving test (or, indeed, any form of mobile phone usage whilst taking your driving test) to prove to your instructor that you are able to take initiative when lost.
– Peering through people’s windows and watching their television in order to avoid giving the BBC any more money.
– Having a sharp knife visible on your person on a first date to demonstrate your hunter-gatherer skills and your ability to protect your potential mate.

And, worst of all:

– Using Comic Sans font on your CV.

The full list is actually much longer than this. We can’t quite believe some of them got printed in the first place. Hey, we’ve been busy, ok? It takes some serious hours to get this publication out every month and sometimes we don’t have time to actually read it. We are also legally obliged to say that telling your family members that a loved one has just been killed in a horrific traffic incident will never be an acceptable April Fool’s prank.

The Now Then team has unanimously voted to formally discharge Advice Arnold from his monthly column and respectfully recommend he go and take a long, hard look in the mirror.

Our legal bills due to his ‘advice’ are spiralling out of control and, moreover, we’re all looking forward to doing away with Naked Wednesdays, on which he insisted on coming into the office in his birthday suit. It was bad enough in the winter, but since the summer months have arrived he’s been leaving his body outline in sweat on all our sofas. It’s seriously put a dampener on company meetings. We are completely sodden over here. Drenched, in fact.

We will give credit where it’s due, though – finding and marrying a partner who was born on 25 December really is a great way to combine three celebratory occasions with one present.

We wish Advice Arnold well, but politely remind him that a court order prevents him from offering advice to anyone other than birds of prey over the age of five months.

Readers, if Advice Arnold tries to add you on Facebook or Twitter, we recommend that you give him a good old block. You know, just in case.

May his reign of terrible advice end now.

Now Then Management

So there you have it. If anyone knows of any writing work going, please get in touch at chris@coolbeansproductions.co.uk. It would be greatly appreciated. At least we still have the memories though, here’s what the online community are now calling ‘The Complete Guide To Terrible Advice’…

July 2014 – The Cool Beans Guide to Writing The Perfect CV

August 2014 – The Cool Beans Guide To Ethical Living

September 2014 – The Cool Beans Guide to 21st Century Luddism

October 2014 – The Cool Beans Guide to Life Drawing

November 2014 – The Cool Beans Guide to Vinyl

December 2014 – The Cool Beans Guide to The Gym

January 2015 – The Cool Beans Guide to Keeping Your New Year’s Resolution

February 2015 – The Cool Beans Guide to Social Media

March 2015 – The Cool Beans Guide to Living on The Cheap

April 2015 – The Cool Beans Guide to Passing Your Driving Test

May 2015 – The Cool Beans Guide to Starting a Rock Band

June 2015 – The Cool Beans Guide to Making a TV Show

July 2015 – The Cool Beans Guide to Writing A Guide

August 2015 – Marcus Livingstone interviews Chris Arnold

September 2015 – Afraid Of Rejection

October 2015 – Having Fun

November 2015 – TV Trick

December 2015 – Gift Ideas

January 2016 – Happy New Year from Advice Arnold

February 2016 – Dry Jan Diary

March 2016 – Dog Grooming

April 2016 – April Fool

May 2016 – Tax Dodge

June 2016 – First Fest

July 2016 – Advice Arnold Gets Fired

The Last Bite – The Final Cool Beans Party!

Well folks, the time has come, we’ve partied for over 5 years and now the time has come to party one last time.

When I started up Cool Beans I was a young whipper snapper, keen to drink as many cans of Red Stripe as possible and stay up until at least 2AM. Nowadays my bones ache and I consider an almond croissant/latte combination to be a delightful treat. I’m beginning to drift more towards nights out where seating is almost certainly guaranteed and I find Radio 4’s World Service incredibly informative.

I am incredibly proud of what Cool Beans has become, originally focusing on events and an internet-only radio show it’s now branched out to become a TV programme on 7 different channels, an FM radio show, a bookings agency, a podcast, a host stage at multiple festivals and a column in Now Then Magazine. And even though we’re entering the final chapter with regards to the parties we put on, this doesn’t mark the end of Cool Beans, just an end of a certain era of Cool Beans shall we say.

For the final one, we just want to have a royal knees up, a celebration of all the celebrations we’ve had over the last five years. And what better way to celebrate than getting your favourite DJs and closest pals to perform alongisde you on the night. Thus the line up for the 9th July at Yellow Arch is quite simply as follows…

Andy H
Chris Arnold
Jimmy The Gent
Lonesome Dom
Mickey Michaels
Sidekick Jonny
& a cardboard cutout of Andy Enchilada

Tickets are £3 advance (no booking fee) and will be £5 on the door. Everyone who attends will get a free hug from myself and a free wet willy from Mickey Michaels. You can grab tickets for party at this link HERE.

Huge thanks to all the acts we’ve had on the years, all the venues, all the promotors we collaborated with and everyone who has come to a show and shaken some legs. I’d forgotten just how many acts we’ve had on at Cool Beans events, below I’ve listed them and even then I’m pretty sure I’ve missed some out.

Special thanks to the Unseen Bean for all his artwork. And of course thanks to messers Enchilada, Kidson, Michaels, May & Harrold for getting so heavily involved with it all.

Cheers again Sheffield, it’s been a fun 5 years, onwards to the next chapter!

Chris. xxx

Lonesome Dom, Sidekick Jonny, Bison, Hackney Colliery Band, Mr. B the Gentleman Rhymer, Mr Benn, The Mother Folkers, King Porter Stomp, Nice One Greg, The Correspondents, Slamboree, Kid Conventionnal, By The Rivers, The Soul Circle Gang, Mango Rescue Team, K.O.G & The Zongo Brigade, Tix, DJ Derek, Wobbly Bob, Airwolf, Mental Block, The Bone Lab, Bison, Wet Nuns, Renegade Brass Band, Cliff Rescue & The Helicopters, DJ Yoda, Plump DJs, The Balkan Bandits, The Indecision, The Mojo Juju Jamboree, New Town Kings, Ham Pocket, Dregs of Society, Mary Anne Hobbs, J*STAR, ROFLCOPTRZ, Soul Love Inc, DJ Woody, The Legitimate Gentlemen, Dutty Moonshine, DJ Shepdog, MJ Cole, Public Service Broadcasting, Sam Vandal, Steel City Rhythm, Wreck The Place, Rev Austin, The Talks, Mr. Stu, Jimmy the Gent, Happy Slap Boutique Crew, Don Limon, Sound Assembly, Dexter Dextrous and the Fingersmiths, Bongo & The Soul Jar, Friends of Batman, The Welsh Whisperer, Kunt & The Gang, The JB Conspiracy, Mojo and the Beatniks, Sound Assembly, 50 Sniffs, Andrew Duxfield, Ghouls, Johnny Kowalski & The Sexy Weirdos, The Grand Old Ukes Of Yorkshire, The Raphael Attar Variety Hour, Ocelus, Jeramiah Ferrari, Stand Out Riot, Soulfunkful, Copasetics, Popes of Chillitown, K.O.G & The Allstar Revolution, Jake & The Jellyfish, Wideboy Generation, Steve and the Raise, Invasion of the Deadbeats, Forefathers, Johnny & The Prison Didn’t Help Boys, The Tempertons, DJ Format, Tyrannosaurus Alan, Surreal Knowledge, Jenova Collective, A.Skillz, Hekima & The Bongo Flava, The Mega Squad, Sophia Pettit, John Batchelor, Jack Athey, Satsuma, Dexter Dextrous & The Fingersmiths, Counting Coins, Carl Woodford, The Navigantes, The Ruby Kid, Bertie Pollak, Zacc Rogers, Papa Soul, Cliff Rescue & The Helicopters, Cervo, Rogue Fader, LK, Papa Al, Septimus Fog, The Janice Graham Band, Carl ‘On Fire’ Watkins, Mudcat Blues Trio, The Chronicles of Graham, The Root One Band, Smiling Ivy, Banana Flavoured Dubcats, Misty’s Big Adventure, Soul Happening, Good Day & Scruples, Sister Danaë, Andy Enchilada, China Shop Bull, The Sheffield University Afro-Carribean Society, Burleskimo, New York Brass Band, Mudcats Blues Trio, East Park Reggae Collective, T-Funk, Physical Jerks, Spit N Strings, Mark Nicholls, Walker, Deadman, Dubzee, Ben Webster, System:Attic, Freear, Mr. Skiver, Stewdoo Voodoo, Andy H, Mikey J, Clipboard, Smiley Maxx, Squiffy, Mystonic, DJ Moses, Krook Kid, DJ Howdle, Andrew Smith, Mr. Meerkat, DJ Silverback, Matt Von Badd, Ed Injury, DMK, Dan Mager, Soulfull Sally, Stoaty, Fantom48, Danny Beck, DJ Darkus, Fruits, Amy, Moody Jim, Wayne Sealey, Wonky Ninja, For The Record DJs, Universal Minds, Emily May, Jah Reynolds, Powlo, Easty, Babba G, Sousafonix, Donnellanium, General Ron, The Meekatron, Bardsy, Matt Von Bad, Arnivore, Banana Hill DJs, Senor Arnoldo, Frail Ale, Fat Eddie, Dreamy Rob & Mickey Michaels.

Regather Round For A Night Of Ukuleles & Powerpoint

Hello folks,

Hope you’re all well and enjoying the brisk spring showers lathering down on your faces. Summer is imminent and there is plenty to get excited about – Peace in the Park, the Tuesday Club Summer Carnival, plus we’re returning to Y Not Festival & Eden Festival this year. We also have a big show happening on the 9th July, so keep that date free, in the meanwhile though we have a small, intimate affair happened down at new local hotspot Regather.

On the 21st May, The Grand Old Ukes Of Yorkshire and The Chris Arnold Experience are performing their little hearts out…

THE GRAND OLD UKES OF YORKSHIRE

Duncan & Bassy make up Sheffield’s second best ukulele-based comedy act, and occasionally when the Everly Pregnant Brothers play a gig outside of town, they’re bumped up to first place for a glorious couple of hours. Expect all your favourite 90s and 00s hits delivered with such enchantingly magical whimsy that you’ll begin to wonder why the ukulele isn’t dominating today’s Spotify charts. You may have also caught the duo moonlighting as weatherman on local television across the country (hey, you need to pay the bills somehow).

www.soundcloud.com/grandoldukes

THE CHRIS ARNOLD EXPERIENCE

Cool Beans head honcho Chris Arnold is back with a brand new powerpoint driven show after months estranged from civilisation caught up in a gang of feral wolves (don’t ask, but let’s assume that scamp Mickey Michaels is to blame). Expect a variety of top page wipes, some averagely amusing songs and multiple displays of pure pan pipe talent. You may know Chris from his work on The Cool Beans Television Show or his appearance in Bonnie Tyler’s Top 8 friends on Myspace circa 2004-2005.

www.madeinleeds.tv/programme/cool-beans
www.youtube.com/coolbeanstelevision

We wanted to make it free entry, but there a few costs involved in hiring the venue. We’ve kept it cheap though. Tickets available at £3 (no booking fee) here.

21st May @ Regather

Capacity is small, so we recommend getting an advance ticket, about half left at the time of writing this!

Cool Beans! X